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Lookin' Good and Bein' Right!

By Linda Larsen

Yes, it's true. We are all hardwired with a need to look good and be right. Think about it. No one wants to look bad or be wrong - at least not in front of another person. And isn't that exactly what happens when someone tries to give us a little "corrective" feedback. We feel humiliated, embarrassed and often angry. Have you ever had any of these thoughts go through your mind when someone tells you they're not happy with you? Things like:
  • "Well, she's got no room to talk!"
  • "He's just jealous of me."
  • "Yeah, right. Like his opinion really means anything."
  • "She's just so negative and knit picky."
The list could go on and on. We've all had those responses. But why is that?

In his book, Life Strategies, Dr. Philip McGraw tells us that there are ten fundamental things, that are characteristic and common to all human beings. Here are the top three:
  1. The number one fear of all people is - rejection
  2. The number one need of all people is - acceptance
  3. In order to effectively manage people - you must do so in a way that enhances or protects their self-esteem
Bingo. There's the answer. If someone tells you that you did something wrong, or they don't like something you did, you might feel rejected, you certainly do not feel accepted and you might feel like your self-esteem has been undermined. Or so you might think. Actually, they did nothing more than express an opinion about an action of yours. You might have interpreted their communication to mean all those negative things. In reality, what they said has no meaning - other than the meaning you attach to it. Period.

OK, so maybe the other person has no skills and is really bad at giving feedback. It is still up to you to separate yourself from the criticism. For example, you may think to myself, "OK, I am an intelligent, worthwhile, capable individual. This report is lousy. I am not the report."

Easy to do? No. Imperative that we do it? Yes. We absolutely cannot advance ourselves in this lifetime, either professionally or personally, while repeatedly taking umbrage at the comments of others. A - We'll go under. B - It really aggravates other people. C - We NEED to know how others are receiving our actions and us.

So, let's now take this awareness to other side of the communication model - to the times when we must be the giver of the feedback. When we are in the position of giving feedback, let's make a conscious choice do it with compassion, awareness and sensitivity. We can still state our thoughts and make a clear request for a new behavior; we'll just do it with a greater sense of the big picture and of what's truly important.

How do we do that? By letting go of our need to be right about how wrong they are! Or by letting go of our need to make them look bad in order that we can look good. Check out your intentions. If any of that is present in your consciousness, it will filter in to your communication.

Another specific thing you can do before you give feedback is to ask yourself the following question: "What could have been his logical justification for having done what he did. Why would it have made sense to him to take this action?" Then when you give your feedback to him, mention this idea.

For instance, let's say that your co-worker, Mike, continually interrupts you when you're on the phone. First think, "Ok, how would he justify doing this?" Maybe you conclude that he might think what he has to say is very important. So, you could say the following: "Mike, when you talk to me while I'm on the phone, I can't hear what you're saying, or what my customer is saying. I understand that what you have to tell me is really important to youÉand, what I need is for you to give me a high sign or a note, and I'll buzz you as soon as I'm off the phone."

Excellent. You're not making him wrong for doing what he did. You're simply saying that it's not effective and doesn't work for you.

Notice, this week, what is going on with you when you are on the giving or receiving end of criticism. You now have some new choices to make. And by the way, when you make these new choices, you're going to look awfully good!


© 2001, Linda Larsen

Linda Larsen is a highly sought after keynote speaker and trainer. She is the author of the best selling audio program, 12 Secrets to High Self-Esteem and the book, True Power. She has been featured in many national publications, including Investor's Business Daily, The Chicago Tribune, Personal Excellence and Opportunity World. She can be reached at 1-800-355-4420 or through her web site at www.lindalarsen.com.



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