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Hurting, Healing, Helping

by Chérie Carter-Scott, Ph.D.

Opening yourself up to a new relationship isn't always easy. Based on what happened in your last relationship, you may be hurt, have baggage, be in need of healing, and as usual, ready to help everyone else with their problems and concerns, while ignoring your own. If you can learn from everything that happens to you, then no hurt is insurmountable, no pain is insufferable, and no loss is irreconcilable.

Creating love is a process. Authentic love is built on the foundation of strong, intimate bonds that can only be formed through time and experience.

A partnership is a union between two entities, formed when both people believe that there is greater benefit in uniting energies, talents, and resources than in remaining separate.

In the love arena, two people come together to create a new reality. As both people move toward each other and connect in the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual realms, they begin to move from separate "I" realities into a combined "we" reality, in which both "IÕs" contribute to the greater "we." Becoming a "we" means that you form a team whose intent is to travel through life together as a united force.

But what happens when things don't work out, when your expectations are unfulfilled, when the dream becomes shattered into tiny fragments? That is when healing is required. If healing strikes a cord, then the following steps will be helpful:
  1. Treat yourself with tender loving care

  2. Process all the feelings associated with the unfulfilled dream

  3. Look at what you can learn from your most recent relationship

  4. Determine what you are going to differently in the future

  5. Do extra random acts of kindness for yourself
Jesus said, "Love your neighbor as yourself." Truer words were never spoken. Yet, how can you love anyone if you don't first love yourself? The "You" in this relationship is the observer, the coach, the editor and the critic who surveys your thoughts, words, feelings and behaviors, and who determines how much of your essential self is shown to others. The quality of the relationship between you and your "self" is paramount, for it is the one upon which all your other relationships are based. Your relationship with your self acts as a template from which all the unions in your life are shaped, setting the quality, tone, and manner in which you relate to others and how they relate to you. It establishes the working model of how to give and receive love. The depth and efficacy of the link between you and your "self" ultimately determines the success of your relationships with others. If an authentic love relationship is what you desire, then the first natural step you must take is to learn to love, honor, and cherish your "self " as a truly precious and lovable being.

Therefore, in order to help others, you must first help yourself. Determine what kind of help you need. Perhaps it's increased social time with your friends. Maybe you want to be introduced to some new possible dates. Church or an ongoing support group can help you connect and process the feelings from the past and help you get over the loss.

Whatever help you require, make sure that pride doesn't stand in your way. If God had meant us to go through this process alone, s/he would have given each one of us our own island. We are all human, and reaching out for support, as well as receiving it when it is offered are part of the process of being human. You can recover from any broken heart if you allow yourself to feel the feelings, heal and learn the lessons, and love yourself enough to ask for and receive help.


Chérie Carter-Scott, Ph.D.
PO Box 30052
Santa Barbara, CA 93130
Web sites: www.drcherie.com and www.themms.com
Email: cherie@themms.com
For interview requests, speaking engagements and business proposals:marketing@themms.com




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