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During a time when our children are growing up too fast and often bombarded with negative images, parents frequently wonder how to help their children find success. Parents want to know not just how to connect with their children, but how they can help make sure their daughter or son makes good choices and succeeds. The seven secrets below can be applied to any situation teens face whether it relates to school, family, friends, relationships, or tougher issues.
Secret One: They Gotta Use Their Gut
Every day most teens are asked to follow their peers or go along with the crowd. In the face of these tough decisions, it is critical for them to learn how to listen to their gut, or intuition. It is that little voice inside them that protects and helps them—if they listen to it. They often face life or death decisions whether choosing to get in the car with someone who shouldn’t be driving or to take their first sip of alcohol.
You can help your teen learn how to use their intuition or gut by helping them see times they may have used their own intuition, even if it was as simple as deciding which movie to see or what to eat for breakfast. Moreover, encourage them to make decisions on their own. If they come to you asking for help, help them think it through on their own. Ask them questions like, if you shut out other opinions, what makes the most sense to you? How will you feel about this decision next week?
Secret Two: Help Them Identify Their Strengths and Use Them!
With so many demands on teens today to take the right classes, get into the right school, and excel in extracurricular areas, so many don’t stop to really explore all of their strengths. What if your teen was the first to discover a new element on the moon or the first to discover a cure for cancer or the fastest person to climb Mount Everest but you never entertained such ideas because you had no idea what their strengths were?
One of the best ways to help them find their strengths is to use an assessment like the Kolbe Profile. Kathy Kolbe, who created this tool, believes we all have instinct-based talents. Some high schools and colleges may offer this service through their guidance office, but you can always find out more about this and other tools online or at your school. Suggest they start an ongoing list that records all the things they love doing, from talking to people to playing music to reading about history to running outside. Pay attention to those things that bring a smile to their face and add them to the list. These are their strengths!
Secret Three: Quality Friendships are Critical
As a parent, it’s painful to watch your teen pick what you think might be the wrong friends. Because teens are so independent it can be difficult to intervene and you may need to endure watching them learn from their mistakes. But, you can show and talk to them about friendships in your life and theirs.
Try this. Be a good role model. Make sure you are picking quality friends. Then, talk to them about the questions you may ask yourself when choosing friends. Such as, do your friends make you feel good? Are they nice to you? Do you have similar goals? Do you make good choices when you are together?
Secret Four: Build Courage and Confidence
Boys and girls both have confidence issues. Even the most confident looking teen, may be an expert at hiding their own insecurities. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, the consequences are frightening: they take fewer risks, act small, talk with little voices, and they may miss opportunities they’re qualified for.
Building courage and confidence isn’t always easy because the competition between teens often hurts their confidence. Also, their own criticism and the negative comments from others shreds their self-confidence. However, recognizing where confidence needs to be built up is half the battle. One of the best ways to build confidence is to take note of when they feel successful and also when they wish they had more courage. Then, they can look to some of their own experiences and peer and adult role models as examples. It’s helpful sometimes for parents to point out times you see them acting with courage and confidence. Finally, a critical piece is giving them safe opportunities to make mistakes. Let them know it’s ok to try something and mess up.
Secret Five: Teach Them to Keep Stress under Control by Keeping Fit
There is not a teenager anywhere in the world that doesn’t experience stress. Whether it’s taking tests at school, managing friendship problems, overcoming issues with parents, or dealing with relationships, all of these can result in a significant amount of stress. It doesn’t take long for too much stress to start affecting teens physically, emotionally, or mentally. It’s critical that we help teens learn coping strategies and practice staying fit.
One of the best ways to do this is by modeling healthy habits in your family. What do you do when you get stressed? Do you exercise? Do you talk to someone? Do you make a plan for dealing with your stress and follow through with it? Do you try to get more sleep? These are all good strategies that you can share with your teen.
On the flip side, do you smoke? Go for the ice cream? Drink? Tune it all out and watch TV or play video games? Complain? Swear or lash out in rage? Obviously, these responses to stress are not effective. Don’t be afraid to get help from others whether it’s school personnel or a therapist. If you notice a dramatic change in your teen’s behavior, this could be an indicator that their stress is too high and may need more help.
Secret Six: Dream Big!
The stress of trying to be perfect and the turbulent experiences of teens’ everyday lives often kill their dreams. “Dream big” sounds like a cliché, but it is so much more than that! Why don’t we let ourselves dream or our teens for that matter? It’s often easier to listen to the “you cant’s”, whether it comes from their friends or their own voice.
When teens "Dream big" they push themselves to the next level. It means thinking out of the box, wanting a bigger life for themselves, and daydreaming about their wishes, whether it is graduating from high school, wanting to be a veterinarian, or starting their own band. When you help your teen dream big, you open up their world to thousands of possibilities.
Encourage them to dream bigger and get them to ask questions like, “Where do they want to live? How do they want to spend their free time? If money wasn’t an issue, what would they want to do?” This opens their minds and gets them dreaming. Just help them start dreaming, and don’t be afraid if they change their dream. This is normal too!
Secret Seven: Get Outside Yourself
Contrary to the belief of many adults, teens do care about helping others and making a difference. Getting outside yourself means doing just that. It’s all about giving back to others and the community. Think about the last time your teen helped someone out. Maybe they volunteered for a school project or just helped someone who dropped their groceries all over the ground. Doing the right thing and helping someone out just plain feels good.
The best way to get your teen to think about others is to have this be a regular part of your family. Plan a volunteer outing as a family or individually. Think about ways you can ‘go green’ and get them involved. Maybe they carpool more or help with recycling.
As a parent watching your child grow, you know how hard it is being a teenager these days. As problems come up, try to keep the solution simple. Keep your teen focused on success by remembering to use the seven secrets.
 Carrie Silver-Stock, MSW, LCSW is a member of eWomenNetwork and eWomenPublishingNetwork. She is the author of “The Powder Box Secrets: Seven Tips to Help Teen Girls Achieve Success” and is the founder of Just Gotta Do It and Girls With Dreams. To learn more about Girls With Dreams contact her at carrie@girlswithdreams.com. |
